Walls Of Communication!

by: Dorothy Lafrinere

Matters of the heart are a true mystery to all involved. In order to make a commitment to a relationship, it takes strength and trust in another. When we trust our partner and we receive trust back, it is a very nice feeling. One should never betray or play games with that trust. Those games usually get caught, and a broken trust will surely create a huge wall of communication breakdown. When you truly trust another, you are opening your heart and mind to an outsider. You are at this time very vulnerable for just about any kind of emotional attack. Confusion and misunderstandings are amongst those emotions now.

This is why communication is so important. It is the key to opening all those doors. Without it, the doors will remained locked and one will have to work very hard to break through. It is much more productive to just talk, listen, and understand your partner. I am not saying that this will be easy, but with love in your heart, it can be done. The end results will definitely be more lasting. For every forced door, there will be a negative memory to try to bypass in the future. When doors are open with love, patience and respect, they will have only good memories to savour and smile upon in the future. Those are extremely important in tearing down those walls.

Communication is a very important act between two people. It even has more importance than sex to keep a relationship building stronger. In order to to communicate, it takes two willing and open minds. If one mind is closed, all that will happen is the other will grow in confusion and frustration.

Some of us worry about the ABC`s in life and others worry about the EF&G`s in life. Thats OK. It is what adds to the color to our black and white life with each other. Yes it would be easier if we all worried and thought about things equally. It would be less confusing. But only for a short time. Soon enough our complacency with each other would get "OLD". It would be as if we could read each others minds, but what would be the point if we thought and worried the same.

A little bit of controversy is a much needed thing in a relationship. It helps us to get to know another part of our partner and also our own selves. When we open our hearts to another, only then will we offer this part of us. Until then it isn't necessary. One very important thing about a person sharing their inner most fears and disappointments is never, ever, try to stifle that person or walk away in frustration. If someone is that open with you, embrace it and hear them out. Never belittle their concerns as being immature or nonsensical because you would never have those concerns. Remember the ABC`s, we all think differently. Only then can you both communicate, otherwise you will add another block to the wall of communication breakdown.

When we are forced into silence, we begin to build walls. If we are not allowed to voice our inner feelings or disappointments, we will quickly stop trying to communicate forever. Once the first brick has then been set, the foundation of the wall to communication breakdown will rise up very fast. Trust me, there is not a single relationship that does not carry or tear down a brick to the wall of communication. There are many levels of relationships. Some of us are put into situations that take much courage to see past our hurts and disappointments. Just remember what brought your relationship together in the beginning. Many times we will be forced to return to page one and start from there. With open minds and nonjudgmental hearts we can get past many mistakes and problems that will arise in a relationship. Another favorite, but not so good habit that we as humans create, is to regurgitate things over and over again. I use the word "regurgitate", because that's how I view having things being tossed back in your face. Have you ever noticed that another lovely habit (NOT) that we as humans have is to only dig up the dirt when we are in the heat of anger? We do this time and time again, because we already know that these things are a guaranteed hit. It is a very cheap and bullish way to try to win a conversation. Is that not what most communication breakdowns are? Conversation wars that end up shooting old ammunition back and forth at one another? The problem there is that noone ever wins that battle. All that is really happening is that both parties have just taken an equal part in adding more blocks to the wall of communication breakdown. Both sides lose.

Communication can only really work when neither party is being selfish, meaning that if one person is feeling that they are being attacked with every word that is coming their way, and it is all about hurting them. They have automatically closed an open door without even realizing it. Low self-esteem will surely make a person feel this way. Or if one partner gets carried away and will not stop to let the other party absorb what was just said, this too is a typical selfish act. That is why it is important that we take turns with each other and try to understand what is actually being said.

If one partner misunderstands, and you are aware of that, then you are responsible to stop and work with them in a loving manner to get them to open that door. It is vital to not assume anything until the other person has completely finished.

This is why the power of writing is so productive. One person writes his/her thoughts down, uninterrupted, without fear of being derailed from their thoughts and with the ability to just get it all of their chest, so to speak. People pay big bucks to be told just this, so listen up! If you find that your wall of communication breakdown is starting to build, then this habit of writing letters to each other is a very good way to bypass the wall.

Always reread your letter before handing it over. That too helps you to maybe erase a thought or two that was purely emotional when writing it. We all know that old saying, "I did`t mean that, I was just upset at the time". Well there's a hind site tip for all of us struggling with that d**n wall of communication breakdown.

Do you ever feel that you are so far under that wall, that you will never be able to communicate with your partner again and just want to run away? Before you run away, think about exactly what and why you are running from. Are you running from a partner that could very well be the best thing that ever happened to you? Or are you in fact running away from your own issues that you refuse to deal with? Remember this, if it is your own demons that you fear, you will run forever. You will never be happy. You will always blame your relationship or your partner for your downfalls. Running away is a cop out. It is a true weakness in character. To stay and fight and trust that your partner will understand your troubles is a true sign of courage and one that will be greatly respected.

We all have our pasts. We must understand that yes, they did happen and that is what they are, past issues. To have your past continue to come between yourself and your partner is a bad thing. Whether it is a person or just an experience, it should be left in the past. This is where good communication comes to the rescue yet again. When we are made aware of certain issues in our partners pasts, it sometimes makes them easier to understand and deal with if they happen to come about again. If we are left in the dark and we have to meet up with another's past and it is not a very good experience, we will be weak in defense and our ability to communicate positively will be almost non-existent.

Some people fear their partners pasts, viewing them as a threat to their own relationship. This is normal and should be dealt with through love and understanding. Again we must communicate with each other and not look down on anyone for their honesty and true fears. That wall of communication breakdown will never completely come down if we skip a few blocks and ignore them, or handle them so wrong that they double in size. A good strong relationship will endure most any mistake made by humans as long as both partners are willing and honest with each other.

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"To effectively communicate, we must realize that we are all different in the way we perceive the world and use this understanding as a guide to our communication with others."
- Anthony Robbins

"Words are a wonderful form of communication, but they will never replace kisses and hugzzz"
-Dorothy

"Some think that love is all flowers and good times, but I think that love is more than just that. Love is the bad, as well as the better, not lived alone, but a journey together. Something that only the closest can share, with communication, respect,"
-Anonymous

About The Author

Dorothy Lafrinere
Owner/Operator
Website- http://www.womensselfesteem.com/
Weblog- http://www.justblogme.com/Dorothy
Forum- http://womenselfesteem.proboards29.com/
email- dorothy@womensselfesteem.com

The Relationship Doctor

by: Lesley Morrissey

Our lives are built on a number of relationships – relationships at home, at work, with friends and family, and the people we do business with. You can’t survive without people – and as we rely more and more on technology to communicate, it seems our social skills are waning.

People experience difficulties in relating to others – and it’s always someone else’s fault! You will have heard people saying things like “I never know what to say to Ed, he’s just so touchy,” or “I don’t know what’s the matter with Tracy, she seems to go out of her way to make life difficult.”

Then there’s the personal relationship that seems to be so difficult. The problem is that we often don’t know where to start. Enter the relationship doctor – Dr Jackie Black.

“Relationships are one of those areas that we are all ‘supposed’ to be naturally good at,” says Dr Jackie, “but, it’s a bit like parenting, nobody gives you a handbook or teaches you the skills that are essential so many of us struggle – often in vain – to make relationships successful. Look at all the broken relationships, rifts in families, and friendships that have been destroyed by something someone has said or done, or hasn’t said or hasn’t done.”

Dr Jackie Black is a relationship expert who has worked on a one-to-one basis as a coach to lots of people who have relationship problems. “People don’t need to be in a bad relationship to need help; we all have problem areas that seem to keep reoccurring. All I do is help people learn how to use tools and strategies to deal with issues proactively rather than react emotionally.”

So who uses a relationship coach? That’s a bit like asking ‘how long is a piece of string?’ The people Dr Jackie coaches are from all sorts of backgrounds – from chief executives and managers to plumbers and electricians, from artists to housewives – now and again we could all do with some help!

Dr Jackie has been coaching people and teaching relationship skills for many years and is very well known throughout the USA and Canada, the U.K. and AustralAisa with her own Internet Radio Show.

Gradually Dr Jackie realised that not only do people need help with their existing relationships, but, with so many marriages hitting the rocks, more and more singles are on the scene. In fact, sometimes we don’t even know where to meet Mr or Ms Right! So what’s the answer?

“If you’ve been out of the dating game for a while, it’s hardly surprising that you get ‘rusty’ at the whole dating, flirting and getting to know someone. Plus, if your last relationship had problems, there’s always that little voice at the back of your head telling you that you must be mad to want to do all that again!” explains Dr Jackie.

It was when she realised that, as one person, she could only help so many people, that she started thinking about how to reach more people and help them. One-to-one coaching limits the number of people she is able to help. One of the first things that came to mind was teleclasses.

For the uninitiated a teleclass is where the coach ‘meets’ a group of people on a telephone bridge line. This can be any number from two or three up to over a hundred, if the class is managed properly this is not as impossible a task as it might seem. So Dr Jackie started talking to Steve Stockton, CEO of 24-7coaching.com and Stef Young, 24-7’s Development Director, their organisation specialises in delivering teleclasses on a wide range of subjects. Dr Jackie was already an experienced teleclass leader, so it seemed an obvious step.

“I can help more people through teleclasses, but I soon realised that it wouldn’t allow everyone to work at their own pace and to ask the questions they needed to ask,” she explains. So, with lots of encouragement from Steve and Stef, she started designing a series of eCourses on dating and relationships that can be done entirely through email.

The idea was to offer more than just a workbook, but to add audio messages from Dr Jackie, and regular telephone ‘clinics’ to enable the people following the programme to talk directly to her. It was a big project, but Dr Jackie was dedicated to making it work and the guys from 24-7 were prepared to do whatever it took to support her.

This conversation took place a year and a half ago, but ran into a setback very quickly. Dr Jackie’s husband, Mark, was diagnosed with cancer and she has spent most of the last year dedicated to making their life together as rich as possible.

Sadly, Mark died in July this year, but Dr Jackie is back at work and the Dating eCourse series has been completed. How did she manage a big project like this alongside the heartache of seeing someone you love suffer?

“I look back on this experience and wonder how I did it. My work and my husband were my two great loves and there was never a choice between them. Last year as Mark became weaker, when he turned off his computer and stopped working for the day I stopped working as well so we could spend as much time as possible together. Then I got up to work whilst he slept.”

Mark and Jackie had only been together for four years, so how did an expert in relationships put her theories into practice when they first met? “I had been divorced for 16 years when I met Mark,” remembers Dr Jackie. “I had attended a social event run by my local golf group. While I played golf with them frequently, it was the first social event I had attended since I joined – five years previously.

“After a short time I had had enough and decided to leave, but someone stopped me. Shortly after that Mark arrived and was introduced to me. In a moment he had been whisked away to meet other people, but then, suddenly, he was back beside me.

“I fell in love the moment I saw him, but the problem was that I had all these ‘rules’, theories and beliefs about “dating smart” and building a committed relationship that would last. I’d been working with other people in helping them to develop their relationships for a long time. Here was my opportunity to “follow my own advice!” I resisted the whole notion of love at first sight (though I absolutely fell madly for him the very moment he said, “Hello”) and insisted on going slowly and mindfully through the entire process. Mark was so patient whilst I worked my way through it! I’m so glad he was, and I am so glad I did.”

Dr Jackie says “When people are having trouble with relationships I feel a bit like an auto-mechanic with a car that is not running properly. You listen carefully to find out what needs to be fixed or replaced.

“’I don’t have time for a relationship’, is code for ‘I don’t have a clue how to date and feel daunted by the whole idea,” or “I’m too nervous and scared that I will fail again!” explains Dr Jackie, when challenged that we’re all so busy that sometimes the relationship suffers.

“My mission is to challenge you to explore the old beliefs and expectations which can cause you pain; to awaken you to the new realities of relationships; to revitalize you,” says Dr Jackie.

The Dating eCourse series is now completed – enabling Dr Jackie to fulfil one of her ambitions – to help more people “date smart” and develop successful relationships. There are seven eCourses, each with five ‘lessons’ including ‘Making Sense of the Dating Process’, ‘Saying What You Mean and Meaning What You Say’ and ‘Internet Dating.’

Dr Jackie makes her ‘students’ work for their results, it’s not a quick fix or an easy option. The questions that students work through dig deep.

“It’s not just instructive; it isn’t only a book, you really need to work at it – to do the writing and exercises, which makes it very experiential. Questions build on each other, so that, even done superficially, it will take people deep into what influences their relationships.”

“After completing the Dating eCourse series you will have a clearer idea of what you have been doing, why it may not have been working and what options and choices you have to make dating more enjoyable, effective and successful,” says Dr Jackie.

Now this particular project is completed – although Dr Jackie will continue to be closely involved through providing the support for students – what’s next? “Well, I have already begun work on an eCourse series for those who are divorcing and divorced and another for committed partners who want to make their good relationship even better. There are so many people who could experience richer and more rewarding relationships – it makes me sad to see relationships break down, when they could be strengthened and repaired – and that includes family relationships.” It seems that Dr Jackie is on a mission to make all our relationships richer – and that can’t be bad!

About The Author

Lesley Morrissey is a journalist, copywriter and author. Her published articles include humour, consumer articles, human interest, review columns, business columns and travel items. Her client base includes the giants of the automotive industry as well as professional bodies and independent commercial organisations. Her speciality is readability – focusing on what and how people read. She is also a business coach and trainer.

Long Distance Relationships - How to Make it Work

by: Rachelle Arlin Credo

Long distance relationships are dreadful. I know this because I'm currently living one. You watch other couples walk down the street hand-in-hand, kissing, etc., everyday and you can't do anything but envy them. So how can a long distance relationship work? How can you keep on loving someone if you can't even see them?

The answer is...it depends on how much you want it to work. True love can overcome any odds thrown in its path if you want it bad enough. So the question is, how do you do it? Well, I do not think that anyone knows exactly how to make it work, but I can certainly provide some points on making it work.

1. COMMUNICATION is the key.

In every relationship, whether near or far, if communication is taken for granted, it can cause the relationship to quiver until it eventually dies a natural death. That's why in any given circumstance, communication has to be given utmost importance. There are so many available media to ensure that the communication stays open. From snail mails and phone calls to chat systems and e-mails or e-cards. These media can be effective means to convey your hearts desires to your loved ones. Let them know about what you've been doing and thinking because in that way they will feel like they are there with you. This will also help you feel close even though you are miles apart.

2. Send off CARE PACKAGES.

It can be anything -- a little gift of flowers; a collection of the letters he has sent you designed artistically into a scrapbook; or your sweetheart's favorite jewelry -- it's really only limited to your imagination. Engaging yourself in this way is beneficial for both of you. You get to concentrate on gathering these items and putting them together, thus keeping your mind off not being together to a certain extent. Your loved one will see how much effort you put into it and how much you care. Even if it is nothing more than a card,it shows they mean enough to you that you can take the time to let them know. It never takes much money to show a little love with a small gift. Trust me, it can melt a heart!

3. Keep yourself BUSY.

You couldn't just sit there and wait 'til he comes back to you. What if he doesn't come back at all and all you did was sit and get your tummy flabby, won't that make you just miserable? You won't just be stunting your growth as an individual in the process but you'd also be developing emotional insecurities. In order to avoid that, you have to focus yourself on other things while waiting. Try to identify your passions. Get in touch with your creative nature. If you are a homebody, you can read tons of books which can help you grow intellectually and emotionally or you can choose to lounge before your computer and surf for hours to learn invaluable things over the internet. It's an endless "ways-to-make-yourself-busy" list and it is up to you to decide whichever you're interested to get involved in. But remember, being "busy" is not an excuse to forget your "special days" and worse yet, your loved one. You're doing it not just to occupy yourself but also to allow yourself to grow even with your lover's absence.

4. HONESTY is the best policy.

The path to true intimacy and connection especially in a long distance relationship is through "total honesty" to each other in the fullest sense of the words. By being authentic and telling your full truth to your loved one about your thoughts, feelings, needs, wants, issues, boundaries, etc., you are gradually building up a zone of confidence and comfort for both of you. This is very essential if you want your relationship to really last. Seeking to avoid conflict and maintain harmony by censoring yourself can work for a while but it won't take much time until your suppressed truth comes out in other ways, such as withdrawal, resentment, "acting out," etc. I know, sometimes, telling your whole truth can be difficult and even scary, but it will result in the kind of relationship that you really want-- a relationship where all the cards are laid in the table.

5. The value of TRUST

Trust is a very fundamental aspect in any relationship. That is because having trust in a relationship takes away doubt. When you trust someone you never have to question their motivation about anything and with mutual trust that relationship is solid. You must learn to be true to the relationship and must never give way to insecurities, strange feelings, suspicions and quick impulses because these will only bring your relationship down. Don't push away negative comments, or advice. Just trust in yourself and your partner. If you two are true to each other and have no hidden motives then you'll be alright. Remember "Love never fails."

6. COMMITMENT is a habit not an achievement

In every relationship, it is a must to be able to learn how to commit and be committed. For most long distance relationships, the very reason why they fail is because both parties couldn't go on with the commitment and they feel too weak to withstand the tribulations of time.If you have committed yourselves to each other without shilly-shallying, then you have a good promise ahead of you.Your comitment to each other will keep the passion alive and the fires burning thus sustaining the growth of the relationship.

7. PATIENCE is a virtue.

Being in a long distance relationship requires being steadfast and persevering. If you aren't this kind of person and you're involved in a long distance relationship, then as much as now, you better try to learn to be patient. Focus your attention on all the positive aspects of the relationship and never give your hopes up. Showing that you value your partner and the relationship and that you are willing to work patiently through it will let them know you truly love them.

8. WEBCAM

This is applicable only for those who have the comfort of having their own personal computers at home.But for those who don't, there are computers-for-rent in cafe's with webcams already attached to the computer system. Having a webcam is actually very fun and exciting. Even if you aren't together but looking at each other's face in the broad screen makes you feel like you're just so close, so near to your loved one. My boyfriend and I use Yahoo messenger to express our emotions with smileys and it's melting my heart to see him smile in the cam when he gets my messages.

9. Make special occasions SPECIAL.

It is not everyday that a special day comes so when it does, it must be celebrated no matter how far apart you are. When I speak of special occasions, I mean birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, New Year and Valentine's Day. During these occasions, you can plan out some heavy-duty phone call or an extended online time for the evening. Regardless of whether you talk every night or a couple times a week, be sure you both carve out some time for that particular night. If you're too stingy to settle on a lengthy phone call, but have cheap and unlimited online access, plan to send instant messages to each other or meet in a private chatroom somewhere. If you can't be together, at least you can be "talking" and "spending some private moments together".

10. ENJOY LIFE!

Not because your loved one is away, it doesn't mean that your "life" is taken away with him as he sets on for greener pastures. You have your own life to live and you must live it up to the purpose you were created for, with or without your loved one.Anyway, we have our family and friends. What are these social beings surrounding us created for anyway?

Remember,there are definite hardships associated with this relationship style but it is important that those who thrive in a long distance relationship see the suffering, difficulties, distance and time as tools in cultivating their love and rearing up the maturity in their relationship. The best you can do is to strive to be the best of who you are as a person while your partner is away so that when he comes back to you, you are already a full-grown individual whom he will love even more and be more proud of more than ever! For now, just be happy in knowing that across the miles there is someone who thinks you are so special, they are willing to engage in a terrible thing such as a long distance relationship. Keep in mind that your suffering is not forever since your loved one will be back soon and when that time comes, everything will be much sweeter than it was back then.

About The Author

Rachelle Arlin Credo is an entrepreneur and relationship coach. She also works as an image consultant and part-time writer. Her stories, articles, essays and poetry have been published in various magazines and online publications.

Attraction: Is It Worth It?

by: Audrey King

The Common Scenario:

Your partner is hardly ever home to give you attention and when he is home, he's preoccupied with his own routine. The two of you then start picking on the little things about each other. This makes you feel unappreciated and lonely; down on yourself.

One day, you're running household errands after work and notice a male co-worker. He comes up to you and asks you to join him for coffee. You accept and the two of you talk and laugh. You then exchange email addresses and next thing you know, you're looking forward to talking with him again and maybe even liking your job a little more.

Weeks go by, and the excitement ebbs just a little as you begin to feel guilty and confused. You begin to have obsessive thoughts as your co-worker wants the two of you to have sometime alone. Your wandering if he could bring you the happiness that's lacking in your home life, if the grass is truly greener on the other side.

What do you do?

You're Only Human:

It's human nature for you to know that you're desired or loved and wanted. Of course, some are just plain addicted to the feeling of excitement one gets while going through an attraction with another person other than their partner. Insecure feelings and lack of self confidence can make a person think and sometimes do regrettable things when receiving attention from another. In fact, 274 out of 703 people are lacking intimacy altogether from their partner. Most people yearn for passion in their lives almost more than they want or need money. The media puts great emphasis on it through internet, movies, television, radio, magazines and books. I can't count how many times I've read a juicy romance novel and wanted to pummel my husband with it as he was sacked out on the sofa.

Paying The Piper Of Desire:

Desire with love is over rated and misunderstood everywhere and many relationships are torn apart by perceptions of what a person thinks they need to fill a void in their life. They'll practically sell their souls for romance, passion, desire and excitement. Something that their partner can't or won't give. But then, most never communicate with their partners about what they need so how can they know that they can't get it? The few that have discussed their needs and wants with their partners still don't receive it which momentarily justifies their actions. Very rarely does either party gain anything but guilt and even self-loathsome. Not to mention, what others feel and think about them when they choose to act upon their attraction or infatuation.

Phase In...Phase Out:

Infatuation is a strong, foolish, yet transitory, attachment to someone or something. Attraction is similar but less worded. In a survey I conducted, the average person that experienced attraction or infatuation was in the thirty-something category. Many people, especially women, go through an extreme transition at this stage in life. Primping in the mirror and finding the crows feet forming or the laugh lines. Looking back to see what has been accomplished and what hasn't. Wondering what's out there. We all go through it and it does take a toll on our self-esteem.

Use It Or Lose It:

Personally, infatuation over someone other than your partner can actually put spark into a stale relationship. According to my own survey, 19% said that their relationship and feelings with their partner were positively stronger after their infatuation with another. On the other hand, 31% said it never changed their relationship at all because they never told their partner and never acted on their feelings.

Most people do make the undeniable mistake of acting on their infatuation while otherwise committed to another. Out of 294 males, 124 have cheated on their partner and 122 out of 326 females did the same. Approximately, 30% of my personal survey takers advise others in similar situations to “be careful” because “it's not worth it” or “recognize the attraction for what it is and don't read more into it.” On a positive note, 37% of those that took the survey did not act upon their attraction.

Is This Love?

The definition of love is, a feeling that animates a person who is devoted to, and sincerely fond of another person or thing that they desire actively. No wonder so many confuse infatuation and attraction with love! The similarities are quite evident. But the key words are “devoted” and “desire actively”. Love for another is long-lasting, a more grounded feeling than infatuation or attraction. None of the situations mentioned in my own survey resulted in love or marriage with the other person. Although, 44% resulted in a serious, sexual relationship but neither case ended up as just a one-night-stand. For the most part, 27% say that it's just a memory that they'd rather forget. And only 27% hope to see that person again.

Rewind And Redefine:

So why are most of us so hell-bent on the excitement of infatuation or always wondering if the next person is “the one” even though we are already in a commitment? It's all about ourselves. What we're not getting and refuse to ask for and give in return. How we feel about or see ourselves through another's eyes. Our boredom with a current situation. Not to mention, some of us are just thrill-seekers and taboo-addicts.

Recently, I came upon a quote from SavvyMale.com on attraction.

“We go to the garden to look at the flowers, not the weeds. People are attracted to different looking flowers. But even some pretty flowers stink once we try to smell them.”

In my opinion, the moral of this quote is, physical attraction is important at first. Only when we attempt to explore more qualities will we know if a chemistry exists and most of the time it doesn't. However, if we are already committed to another, we can still look at the pretty flowers; just leave them alone. Instead, share your feelings of their beauty with your partner and cultivate your own beautiful garden as a couple. There's a greater chance of your grass being the greenest of all.

About The Author

Audrey King

© Audrey King 2005

'Links For Moms' bringing valuable resources to busy moms.

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How To Stop The Fighting In Your Relationship

by: Brenda Shoshanna

For some couples fighting is the fire that keeps their relationships alive. It lets them know the other cares. Many are determined to win a battle that never ends. Others try to right the wrongs they have experienced in the past with someone new. Unfortunately, this kind of behavior is doomed to failure. When we bring baggage from a former relationship into the present, all new relationships simply become a continuation of the past.

What People Get Out of Fighting

It is important to understand why couples keep fighting. For some fighting is a fire that keeps their relationships alive. It lets them know the other cares, things aren’t really over, and sparks still fly between them. Fighting can keep these couples bonded, causing them to think about each other a great deal. Some love power struggles. They love winning and feeling power over the other. This makes them feel strong.

Fighting can easily become a habit, something individuals fall into automatically and instinctively. Needless to say, fighting prevents real communication. Rather than addressing issues, it causes a situation to remain stuck.

"Without a good fight, a relationship is over,” says Mary, a twenty six year old administrative assistant. “The lights have gone off between us. It’s a sign my partner no longer cares.” Mary, who was recently divorced and is now in another choppy relationship feels that eventually she’ll marry a man with whom she can fight - and survive the storms. “ I respect a guy who I can fight with, who can take me as I am.” For Mary being angry, fighting and winning has became her identity. Without it, she no longer knows who she truly is. She does not see price she is paying for this kind of relationship or what toll it takes on all concerned. Unfortunately, the anger many individuals live with on a daily basis can become crystallized into their identity. Needless to say, this blocks out much of the happiness, flexibility, communication and intimacy they desire. “I’m not letting her walk all over me,” Roger would balk whenever his ex wife expressed her needs to him now, or brought up any issue. Rather than listening to what she had to say, he immediately took it as criticism. “She’s trying to tell me I’m inadequate,” he would declare. The war was on. What started as a conversation, turned into a power struggle. From Roger’s point of view, his very manhood was at stake. However, as long as any of us hold onto our anger and continue fighting, there is no hope of working the problems through. Roger could not pause and realize that his partner’s needs and feelings had nothing to do with him. He was determined to take whatever she said or did personally and keep feeling badly about himself. However, it’s impossible not to receive the fruits of what you have put forth. “As you sow, so shall you reap,” is an immutable law of living. Although we may justify all kinds of behavior it is absolutely inevitable that we alll experience the consequences of our thoughts, actions and deeds. There are many steps involved in letting go of anger. The very first is to realize that anger is a toxin. It is not a source of strength or power, but can become an addiction, something that hinders our well being and stops our life from going forward. There are definite steps we can take to undo anger. Here are a few one can take to begin. They are taken from The Anger Diet which offers one step a day for thirty days. These following guidelines are simple, but powerful. Why not try them today and see.

Putting An End To The War

1) Stop Blaming – While we are engaged in pointing a finger, and making the other feel guilty, we cannot see what is really going on. Blame is a way to keep the fight alive. TAKE A VACATION FROM BLAME FOR ONE DAY. Instead of thinking of all the ways the person has hurt you keep your eyes open to watch how you may be stoking the fires. Focus upon what the person has done for you, instead, the ways in which they have been kind.

2) Realize The Price You Are Paying For These Fights - Unless we truly realize the terribly toll fighting is taking on us, we will continue it automatically. Take note of the consequences each fight brings, what it is doing to your body, mind and spirit. Then ask, do I truly want this? Haven’t I suffered enough? Why not stop it today?

3) Choose To Be Happy Rather Than Right - This is the time to expand your view. Define success as being happy rather than being right. Learn other tools and techniques which will de-escalate anger and make a positive relationship possible..

4) Build A Strong Sense of Self-Worth - The best defense against anger is feeling good about yourself. Build a sense of self worth. Treat yourself beautifully and treat your partner beautifully as well. Let go of all that opposes this.

As we have the courage to let go of anger, not only does our health improve, but soon we notice many kinds of wonderful, new people and experiences entering our lives. We attract what we focus upon. When we focus upon well-being, forgiveness and love, that is what will fill our lives.

Copyright 2005 Brenda Shoshanna

About The Author

Brenda Shoshanna

Melt away toxic feelings with Dr Shoshanna’s new book, The Anger Diet, (30 Days To Stress Free Living.) Psychologist, speaker and relationship expert, Dr Shoshanna has provided the only diet you’ll need – from anger. This diet shows us how to give up one form of anger a day and replace it with a healthy, constructive antidote. Discover how anger camouflages itself, pinpoint the 24 forms of anger, learn what to do when you’re the subject of anger and much more. Dr. Shohsanna is author of many books, including Zen Miracles (Finding Peace In An Insane World), Wiley, Zen and the Art of Falling in Love (Simon and Schuster), Save Your Relationship (21 Laws of Successful Relationships), Living By Zen, (Timeless Truths For Everyday Life).

Contact Dr Shoshanna at http://www.brendashoshanna.com/ , or mailto:topspeaker@yahoo.com

Is Your Relationship Virus Protection Up To Date?

by: Nancy Gerber

Anyone with a computer knows about the annoyances and dangers lurking out in cyberspace -- pop-ups, SPAM, viruses and spyware. Chances are that most users have at least a rudimentary knowledge of how to defend themselves, and the measures that can be taken to place more protective layers between their system and these nasty creations. When it comes to communication and relationships, however, we're not nearly so well versed.

Although most people do very well with run-of-the mill daily interactions, unless you come from a family skilled in this arena, or have connected with mentors along your way, you are probably frustrated and flustered when a difficult person or situation crosses your path. And, with the holiday season revving into high gear, the challenges become more frequent and complex. Here are some straightforward guidelines and strategies that can help you navigate these choppy waters.

First, some core principles. We accept as undisputable fact that there will always be technology demons waiting to pounce, and we all know (or should!) some basic caveats -- never open an attachment from a strange e-mail address, don't answer phishing or spam marketing messages, be cautious of the web sites you visit and the personal information you share. Similarly, here are three of the essential, basic guidelines for managing relationships:

1. Generally, everyone's behavior is habitual and unconscious. Most of it is not directed specifically at us, so don't take it personally.

2. The only things we can change are our own beliefs, behaviors, language, self-talk, and attitudes.

3. Stop wishing people were different, and accept them as they are. If you set out to try to change someone else, you'll be sorely disappointed.

In the same way we have a technology protection plan -- spam filtering programs, anti-virus software, spyware scans – it's useful to develop a personalized strategy to prepare ahead of time for the inevitable challenges we'll be facing. For example, in order to take a stand with the person who won't take "no" for an answer, we may need to know that there are three ways to respond to a request -- we can agree, decline or make a counter offer. It will also be useful to understand that saying "no" doesn't require an explanation, and that there are many polite yet firm ways of sticking to our boundaries. We can become more aware of our self-defeating beliefs about a person or circumstance, and therefore have a greater variety of choices as to how we'll respond more effectively the next time around.

Just as we shore up our technical defenses, and make sure we're ready for the next new virus, by becoming aware of our communication options we're updating our relationship software so that we can consistently create more harmonious, productive and satisfying interactions.

Where is your greatest communication challenge -- what people or circumstances repeatedly agitate, annoy or frustrate you? What do you need to help you change the outcome next time around?

© 2005 Nancy Birnbaum-Gerber. All rights reserved, but you MAY transmit, distribute, print or otherwise share this piece with anyone anywhere as long as copyright, credit and all contact and descriptive information below are included.

Update YOUR personal communication software with Nancy's newest e-book:

The Conscious Communicator's
HOLIDAY SURVIVAL MANUAL
17 Strategies To Manage
Those Awkward Relationship Moments
and Communicate More Effectively
and Harmoniously During The Holiday Season

Learn more here –www.sstones.com/holidaysurvivalmanual.shtml

About The Author

Known as "The Conscious Communicator", for 30 years Nancy Gerber, President of SteppingStones, based on Loganville, GA, USA, has coached and educated thousands of people worldwide on how to improve their communication and deepen their relationships with others -- and themselves. She’s committed to providing practical information and ideas -- "The stuff they never taught us in school." In this age of increasing electronic connectivity, her mission is to help people deepen their human connections.

Her clients have included entrepreneurs, CEO's, chiropractors, high tech consultants, engineering firms, social workers, artists and community and professional organizations. She especially enjoys working with innovative and unconventional people who are carving their own path in life. Her greatest satisfaction comes from helping people create balanced lives that reflect their values -- in and out of the workplace.

Nancy Birnbaum-Gerber

• Professional Certified Coach since 1999

• Certified Teleconference Leader -- has facilitated hundreds of learning programs over the telephone for thousands of people all around the world

• Internationally Published Writer

• Speaker and Seminar Leader -- has given presentations on three continents

Contact Nancy Gerber via e-mail nancy@sstones.com, or visit www.sstones.com. Read the archives and subscribe to SteppingStones inspirational FREE weekly e-zine “Thoughts For A Thursday”. Learn more about Nancy’s speeches, seminars, coaching, writing, and other services.

Breaking Your Relationship Pattern, Part 4

by: Rinatta Paries

Finally, after all of the hard work you have done completing your past, here is a way to break your relationship pattern.

Relationship choices are often based on patterns created in our childhood. These patterns are automatic and subliminal. We believe ours is the way relationships ought to be.

There is no problem having a pattern that leads you to loving, satisfying, long-term relationships. However, many people have patterns that cause them nothing but the heartache of unsuccessful relationships.

There is a way out, a way for you to be free of your particular pattern and to be free to make your relationship choices based on what you need and want. The best way is to understand where your relationship pattern comes from. Then you can consciously choose what works for you and what doesn't, what you want to continue and what you want to stop, and how you want your next relationship to be.

Below is a powerful exercise. In doing this exercise, you will discover information about your relationships and yourself. Knowledge of yourself is freedom to choose, freedom to act differently, freedom to have what you want.

Pattern Tracker©

Section 1. Instructions: Answer the following question for all of your significant past relationships. Significant means you had or still have strong feelings about the person. Go backwards in your history, starting with the most recent relationship. Write down your answers.

• What hurtful things did your partner do in your last relationship?
• What hurtful things did your partner do in the relationship before that?
• What about the relationship before that?

Section 2. Instructions: Answer the following questions and write down your answers.

• What hurtful things did your parent of the opposite sex do to his/her partner?
• What hurtful things did your parent of the same sex do to his/her partner?
• What hurtful things did your parent of the opposite sex do to you?
• What hurtful things did your parent of the same sex do to you?

Section 3. Instructions: You will need to refer to your responses from the previous two sections. To make answering the following questions easier, you may want to copy out those responses. Write down your answers.

• What are the similarities between the hurtful behaviors of your parents and your past partners?
• Are the behaviors opposite?

Section 4. Instructions: Answer the following questions, writing down your answers.

• Your parents' relationship with each other and with you is the basis for your relationship pattern. What kinds of pattern were you programmed to have in your intimate relationship?
• Are you repeating your parents' relationship pattern in your own relationships?
• Are you reacting to your parents' relationship by doing the opposite of their pattern?

Example: (Names and details changed to preserve privacy)

When my client Sonya did this exercise, she filled out Section 1 by listing all three of her significant relationship partners as unavailable and uninterested. Her most recent partner, Jeff, lives in New York, while she lives in Boston. He was barely making time for her. They were only seeing each other once a month and even then he would find reasons to be away from her. He was very argumentative and would never be the one to say he was sorry.

Her previous partner, Ronald, simply did not want to continue in their relationship. Every time something would go wrong, he would back away a little bit more until there was no longer a relationship. Sonya wrote down that Ronald was unavailable because he was unable to be emotionally close. He was also uninterested -- he did eventually walk away from the relationship. This man was not argumentative, instead avoiding arguments at all cost.

Sonya's very first significant partner, Rob, was the love of her life. They loved each other deeply, but even that did not keep them together or prevent him from doing hurtful things. As the relationship progressed he started to withdraw more and more. Eventually he lost interest in her physically. They tried to work it out, but he would shy away from confrontation and nothing ever got resolved.

Here is Sonya's Section 1:

• Jeff was unavailable, uninterested and argumentative.
• Ronald was unavailable and uninterested, and avoided confrontation.
• Rob was withdrawn, uninterested, and avoided confrontation.

Sonya had to think hard about Section 2. She did not want to blame her parents or make them look bad. But as she thought about their relationship with each other and with her, she began to see some patterns.

She remembered her parents arguing often. Her mother felt the father did not care, did not want her, and did not participate in the relationship or the family. Sonya also remembered that her mother was the one who started these arguments and did the yelling, while her father first listened and then walked away.

Sonya's father did not spend much time with her, but was a good financial support. When her father eventually left, he did not stay in touch. Her mother told her over and over how all men eventually lose interest and leave.

Here is what Sonya wrote for section 2:

• Father unavailable, uninterested and avoided confrontation.
• Mother argumentative and blaming.
• Father not around for me, not wanting me, leaving eventually.
• Mother told me all men lose interest and leave.

When it came to Section 3, Sonya copied out the responses from the previous sections. She came up with the following list:

• Jeff was unavailable, uninterested and argumentative.
• Ronald was unavailable and uninterested, and avoided confrontation.
• Rob was withdrawn, uninterested, and avoided confrontation.
• Father unavailable, uninterested and avoided confrontation.
• Mother argumentative and blaming.
• Father not around for me, not wanting me, leaving eventually.
• Mother told me all men lose interest and leave.

In answering the question, "What are the similarities between the hurtful behaviors of your parents and your past partners?" she noticed many similarities. For example, she noticed that all of the men, with whom she has had a significant relationship, ended up treating her the way her father treated both her and her mother. Sonya also noticed with a gasp that all of her relationships have fulfilled her mother's prophecy.

In answering the question, "Are the behaviors opposite?", she noticed that Jeff, her most recent relationship partner, was argumentative. In this way he was the opposite of her father and more like her mother.

Here is Sonya's Section 3:

• Father unavailable to me and mother; I find men who are not available.
• Father was uninterested in mother and me; I find men who lose interest in me.
• Father avoided confrontation; two of the three relationships were with men who avoid confrontation.
• Father left; I attract men who eventually leave. And mother told me they would.
• A man who is argumentative is the opposite of my father, but just like my mother.

Finally, Sonya came to Section 4. What kind of a relationship pattern was she programmed for? The answered seemed obvious: exactly the kind of pattern she has been living out, where the men with whom she's in a relationship become unavailable, lose interest and eventually leave. She is programmed to have relationships that are domed to fail because she is with partners who cannot work through the relationship for fear of confrontation.

She had to answer "yes" when asked if she was repeating her parents' relationship pattern in her own relationships. She also had to answer "yes" when asked whether she was doing the opposite of her parents. And she realized that doing the opposite got her the same exact result.

Here is Sonya's Section 4:

• I was programmed to have a relationship pattern where my partner will become unavailable, losing interest in me and eventually leaving.
• I am exactly repeating the pattern in my parents' relationship.
• Sometimes I have done the opposite of my parents' relationship, but got exactly the same result.

If you do the exercise yourself, I'm certain you'll have some great realizations, perhaps even a sense of relief. You will better understand why you attract and are attracted to certain kinds of partners. You will understand your relationship pattern. And in understanding your pattern, you will be able to break it and break free.

Your Relationship Coach,
Rinatta Paries
http://www.whatittakes.com/

About The Author

(c) Rinatta Paries, 1998-2002. Do you know how to attract your ideal mate? Do you know how to build a fulfilling relationship, or how to reinvent yours to meet your needs? Relationship Coach Rinatta Paries can teach you the skills and techniques to attract and sustain long-term, healthy partnerships. Visit http://www.whatittakes.com/ where you'll find quizzes, classes, advice and a free weekly ezine. Become a "true love magnet(tm)!"
help@whatittakes.com

Breaking Your Relationship Pattern, Part 3

by: Rinatta Paries

Do you want to put to rest the people and situations from your past so they do not interfere with your current and future relationships?

I bet you said yes. Who doesn't have something in their past they want to put to rest? Then let's talk about what action steps you can take to create the absence of past -- or completion -- in your life.

Below are a series of action steps. You'll want to pick a few and repeat them until you are complete with various people and circumstances from your past.

The time it takes to get to genuine completion will vary from person to person and situation to situation. For some it can come quickly. But sometimes completion happens over time: we may have to forgive, let go, or communicate to people in stages over a period of time.

Here are 10 action steps to put to rest the people and situations from your past. Use these action steps on the list of incompletions you created from last week's article.

1. Write Letters
Write letters to the person or people to whom you feel resentful, hurt, or still attached. Freely say everything you want to say and write as many letters as necessary to feel complete, each time going deeper inside to express your full emotions. Do not send these letters, but instead do something with them that leads you to feel you are getting rid of the feelings. Flush the letters down the toilet, burn them, bury them, etc.

2. Tell Your Story
Tell your story over and over to a trusted friend, advisor, or your journal. Make sure neither you nor the person listening edit or judge what you say or write, give advice, or make comments to dispute your feelings. Your job is to communicate and be listened to attentively.

3. Talk to the Right Person
Talk to the person with whom you have the incompletion. Do this only if you are sure the person will be able to listen to you in the same way as in Step 2 above. If you do have this conversation, make sure not to blame or be rude, but talk about your feelings and the consequences in your life. If you have the opportunity, have as many conversations as you need to get complete.

4. Imagine Talking to the Right Person
If the conversation in Step 3 above is not feasible, have this conversation in your imagination. Give the conversation as much time and undivided attention as you would give a real conversation. This works best as a closed eye meditation/visualization.

5. Role Play
Ask a trusted friend to role-play the incomplete situation with you or imagine being back in the situation. Use this opportunity to say what you wish you had said. Repeat the role play again, but this time have the other person act in a way that would have avoided causing the incompletion. Repeat the process over time until you feel complete.

6. Reexamine
Reexamine the situation from the vantage point of the present. How did you grow as a result? Was there a hidden gift in going through the experience? What did you learn from the situation? Repeat until you can feel gratitude toward the situation and the other person.

7. Own What Happened
Take responsibility for it and figure out how to prevent a similar situation from happening again. Answer the following questions at length in your journal: How did you contribute to the situation, specifically? What motivated you? What did you ignore or not communicate? How will you respond differently next time at each of the key junctures?

8. Create Completion by Understanding
Look at the other person's motivations. You do not have to approve or agree. Simply understand. Answer the following questions at length in your journal: What made his/her actions inevitable? Did he/she have a true choice? What would have had to be different in order for his/her actions to be different?

9. Repair the Damage or Loss
Actively repair the damage or loss. If something of yours was taken, replace it with an item just as good or better. If you were emotionally hurt, give yourself the kind of support, acknowledgement, and love you wanted from the other person. Ask trusted others to provide you with the emotional support you needed and did not get.

10. Talk to the Spirit of the Person
Sometimes our relationships go so wrong and so much hurt is created that it is difficult to imagine the person giving us the understanding we need to get complete. In these cases, imagine having a conversation with the person's spirit, attentively listening while you say everything you need to say. Even when the person may not be able to hear you, their spirit always will. Repeat this process until you are complete.

These steps will help you put your past to rest. You will be ready to start working on attracting your ideal Mr. or Ms. Right -- figuring out and then breaking your relationship pattern.

Your Relationship Coach,
Rinatta Paries
http://www.whatittakes.com/

About The Author

Do you know how to attract your ideal mate? Do you know how to build a fulfilling relationship, or how to reinvent yours to meet your needs? Relationship Coach Rinatta Paries can teach you the skills and techniques to attract and sustain long-term, healthy partnerships. Visit www.WhatItTakes.com where you'll find quizzes, classes, advice and a free weekly ezine. Become a "true love magnet(tm)!"
help@whatittakes.com

Breaking Your Relationship Pattern, Part 2

by: Rinatta Paries

The first step toward being able to attract and create your ideal relationship is to clear the way for it by eliminating baggage from your past. This baggage refers to any resentments, hurts, or fears you have toward anyone who either was a role model or who participated directly in a relationship with you.

Lots of people carry such baggage for a long time, some even for a lifetime. The sooner you can truly let go of this baggage, the less likely you are to recreate bad situations in current and future relationships.

Dropping this baggage is what I call "getting complete."

How do you get complete? Completion is not a sense or an emotion or even a state of being, but a process. This means there are steps and practical actions that will get you to completion. What stands between you and having a great relationship is acting on these steps.

At the most basic level, completion is an exercise in communication. Imagine you could finally say everything you needed to say to everyone you needed to say it to, no holds barred. Wouldn't that give you a great sense of relief and freedom? In essence, getting complete is getting to communicate everything to everyone, without spending your life looking for everyone from your past or having to deal with less-than-receptive people.

Once you are complete with a situation, the next time you face a similar situation you will be free to choose your actions rather than being run by fear, pain, anger, etc. You may flash back to the old situation, but you will not react based on it. You will no longer have anything but a minute negative emotional response when looking back on hurtful situations. For the majority of the time, you will feel genuine forgiveness toward others and yourself.

The first thing you need to do to get complete is to feel all of your feelings, no matter how unpleasant they may be. How do you feel about your past relationships? Have you swept your feelings under the rug? Are you still secretly pining for someone? What are you afraid of in regards to relationships? Who are you still angry with?

In order to allow yourself to feel, you have to know that feelings, unless they are of the clinical depression or the criminal rage kind, will not kill or hurt you. Most people have either not had the permission or never slowed down enough to feel their feelings. You must give yourself both the time and the permission if any completion is to take place. As long as you don't let yourself feel, you will recreate exactly what you had in the past. If you want something different -- a fulfilling relationship -- you can't afford to recreate the past.

Right now, check in with your feelings and make a list of all the people and situations you need to complete. We will come back to this list.

The second thing you need to do to get complete is to take action. Look for a list of ten action steps in next week's newsletter.

Your Relationship Coach,
Rinatta Paries
http://www.whatittakes.com/

About The Author

Do you know how to attract your ideal mate? Do you know how to build a fulfilling relationship, or how to reinvent yours to meet your needs? Relationship Coach Rinatta Paries can teach you the skills and techniques to attract and sustain long-term, healthy partnerships. Visit www.WhatItTakes.com where you'll find quizzes, classes, advice and a free weekly ezine. Become a "true love magnet(tm)!"
help@whatittakes.com

Breaking Your Relationship Pattern, Part 1

by: Rinatta Paries

When you were little, you looked up to your parents. You imitated their mannerisms, words, and actions as you learned about life by watching them. This applies to relationships as well - you leaned about relationships by watching them.

Not all you learned about relationships came from your parents; your learning has continued throughout your life. But what you saw your parents do in relationships, how you interpreted what you saw, and how you felt about it, is the foundation of your adult relationships.

That's not to say that your parents were wrong or bad parents, or even that they had a bad relationship. The only thing that can be said is if intimate relationships are problematic for you, the source is inevitably your foundational learning.

If a great relationship, a great partner, is what you are after, you must see, understand, and deconstruct your foundational learning about relationships. To take apart a foundation of something is a delicate thing. Imagine trying to remove or change the foundation of a house while leaving the rest of the house standing intact. Not an easy task. But in order to have a great relationship, you need to reconstruct your foundational learning while leaving you intact.

To begin, you must get complete with your parents. If you still have negative feelings about what they did to you or each other, you will create situations in your intimate relationships where you will confront these same negative feelings. To see an illustration of this in you own life, take the PatternTrackerTM Quiz at http://www.whatittakes.com/Quiz2/patterntracker.html.

To be complete with your parents means to be both free of negative feelings and to feel compassion toward them. Can you say both are true for you?

If you can, congratulations. You are a member of a very small minority. If you are not free of negative feeling toward your parents or/and if you do not feel compassion for them, you have some completion work to do. That is if you want a long-term, healthy, thriving relationship.

The question is, how do you get complete?

The first thing to know about completion is that it is not just a feeling that will one day appear. There are steps that can be taken to generate a feeling of completion. What stands between you and having a great relationship is taking these steps. Watch for these steps in my newsletter over the next few weeks.

Your Relationship Coach,
Rinatta Paries
http://www.whatittakes.com/

About The Author

Do you know how to attract your ideal mate? Do you know how to build a fulfilling relationship, or how to reinvent yours to meet your needs? Relationship Coach Rinatta Paries can teach you the skills and techniques to attract and sustain long-term, healthy partnerships. Visit www.WhatItTakes.com where you'll find quizzes, classes, advice and a free weekly ezine. Become a "true love magnet(tm)!"
help@whatittakes.com

Get Over a Relationship

by: Trevor Dumbleton

Try as you might, you can't get over a relationship. You know its over, but you can't stop thinking about that certain someone. Whatever that person was like, they just never leave your mind for some reason. You find yourself in a spiral of hope and hopelessness that wraps you up and consumes you to the point where you can't seem to think straight. You don't need to continue beating yourself up. You can finally get over a relationship through hypnosis.

There are some relationships that just never seem to go away. Even when they end, the memories of them stay with you. You try to accept the fact that it is over, but you can't get over that hill. The memories come flooding back and you find yourself stuck in a cycle of depression and false optimism that keeps you from enjoying life. All the witty little sayings and helpful hints that your friends and family give you do not help. You can't just move on like everyone tells you to. It just won't go away. Even if you know you need to get over a relationship, you cannot do it will just a snap of your fingers. You know it is just going to come back again.

There is hope. You can finally get over a relationship through hypnosis. By applying the tools of suggestion to your mind, you can finally accept that the relationship has ended. Instead of beating yourself up or wallowing in old recollections, hypnosis can help you move on with your life. Your mind wants to gain closure. Hypnosis will simply provide you with a way to give yourself that closure. By helping your mind to work through the self-defeating cycle of missing a certain and refusing to let them go, hypnosis can finally help you break free of your depression and your hopeless hope and find new direction without hanging on to what was lost.

When you know you need to get over a relationship but you cannot seem to do so, hypnosis can help. By working your mind through to acceptance, you will no longer be mired in the past and you can work toward a new future free of the memories of a certain someone. So help yourself break free of your depression and move on to a new stage of your life. You can get over a relationship that you miss. Hypnosis will let you do it.

About The Author

Trevor Dumbleton - http://www.about-hypnosis.com/ teaches you how to use hypnosis to improve your life. Hypnotism can help with weight loss, stopping smoking, fear of public speaking and more. You can also learn to hypnotize yourself.

Relationships: Too Easy To Leave

by: Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

Katheryn and Mathew, both in their 50’s, have been together for two years. Both have been previously married and divorced. When they met, they fell madly in love, which lasted for a few months. Then the conflicts started.

Both Katheryn and Mathew left their marriages because they were with partners who were completely unwilling to open to learning regarding the conflicts. Both Katheryn and Mathew wanted to find a partner who would learn and grow with them. They found each other at a personal growth seminar.

However, each time a conflict occurs, which is often at this point in their relationship, they both threaten to leave. Katheryn is consistently yelling, “I’m had it! I’m leaving!” while Mathew yells, “Why don’t you just leave!” They each have a foot out the door.

Katheryn and Mathew are stuck in a typical control-resist relationship system. Katheryn wants to leave because she is so frustrated by Mathew’s constant withdrawal and resistance, while Mathew wants to leave because he can’t stand Katheryn’s constant attempts to control him and make him responsible for her feelings.

Leaving is a waste of time for Katheryn and Mathew. Actually, these two people have exactly what they asked for – someone to learn and grow with. Both Katheryn and Mathew are willing to learn and explore at some point after the conflict. Each are slowly becoming more aware of their end of their dysfunctional relationship system. If they leave, they have no one to come up against, no one who triggers their issues, so their issues will not be addressed until they are in another relationship. Then the same issues will surface.

The people I work with often believe that it would be easier to start over with someone else, or easier to be alone. I assure them that, in my experience, all learning and growing relationships are very challenging – that all couples who desire to create a really wonderful and loving relationship have to go through the trenches of healing their woundedness within the relationship. It may be easier to be alone, but it’s lonely and the major relationship issues never get healed.

If you are a person who deeply desires to continue your emotional and spiritual growth, and you are with a partner who also desires this, than DON’T LEAVE. No matter how bad the fights get or the distance gets – except if there is continued physical violence - keep at it. It’s too easy to leave, to easy to blame the other person, too easy to miss the incredible opportunity that relationships provide for healing and growth.

It’s especially important to hang in there when children are involved. I’m not saying to stay just for the children. If you are with a physically violent partner, or a partner who has no desire to take any personal responsibility, or a substance abuser who has no desire to heal from his or her addiction, then you may need to leave. But if you have a partner who is on a growth path, who is willing to explore with you, who is willing to have counseling with you, who is willing to learn to take responsibility for him or herself, then leaving is not the answer. No matter how difficult things get at times, you have a responsibility to yourself, your partner, your family, as well as to the whole of humanity to do the learning you came to this planet to do.

If you are fortunate enough to be with a partner who is, at least at some of the time, opens to learning with you, you are fortunate indeed. The relationship will take you to the depths of your dark side and to the heights of your ability to love. It will take you where you need to go, so don’t give up just because it’s so hard. The challenge is to be doing a daily Inner Bonding practice of going within, connecting with yourself and with Spirit, and learning what it means to move beyond control, beyond resistance, beyond punishing the other, beyond threats and bullying, beyond blame, beyond being victim, beyond compliance, and beyond fear. The challenge is to be healing your wounded self and developing your loving adult, which occurs in growing relationships when both people are devoted to becoming loving adults. The challenge is to be guided more and more by your spiritual Guidance and less and less by your ego/wounded self.

Even if you think that you are open and your partner isn’t, it would be in your highest good to stay in the relationship until you are able to remain loving to yourself and your partner no matter what your partner is doing. As long as you are triggered by your partner’s behavior, your healing is not complete and there is no point in leaving. If you reach a point where you are no longer triggered by your partner’s behavior, you might discover that your partner has also changed, even though you believed he or she was not open to learning and growing. If your partner remains closed and there is really nothing more for you to learn, then it might be time for you to leave.

Get both feet in there and do your inner work before even thinking about leaving. Don’t let your wounded self decide your relationship for you. Don’t leave until you know that you are fully guided to do so from a spiritual source of wisdom and truth. Don’t waste this opportunity to evolve your soul in love.

About The Author

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" and “Healing Your Aloneness.” She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com/ or mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone Sessions Available.

Bite Your Tongue! 10 Ways to Be an Effective Listener

by: Joy Fisher-Sykes

Have you ever spoken to someone and then felt the need to say, “Did you hear what I just said?” Why did you feel the need to ask? Probably because the listener didn’t provide you with the feedback you needed to know you were heard.

Listening is the most important, yet often most neglected, communication skill. In fact, the ability to listen is often rated one of the top five abilities employers seek in their staff. It’s also certainly highly sought after in the people nearest and dearest to our hearts.

Here are 10 ways to be an effective listener:

1. Recognize the difference between hearing and listening
   • There is a very distinct difference between hearing and listening. Hearing is to merely perceive sound.
   • Listening is the mindful, conscious act and desire to hear, comprehend, and response to others.

2. Be willing to listen
   • Begin with a commitment to listen - be open minded and consider other points of view.
   • Listen regardless of whether you agree or disagree with what’s said. Resist the urge jump to conclusions; be defensive or argumentative with the speaker.

3. Be attentive
   • Stop what you’re doing and give the speaker your undivided attention. If it’s not a good time for you, defer the conversation.
   • Ignore the desire to multi-task and selectively listen (only listening to bits and pieces of information).
   • Remain in the moment for the duration of the conversation
     • don’t tune in and out or pretend to be listening when you’re really thinking about where to go on your next vacation.

4. Show respect
   • Acknowledge others with your body language - face the speaker, look interested, and make eye contact.
   • Avoid ending the conversation abruptly.

5. Empathize
   • Be sensitive, compassionate, and understanding – realize it may be difficult for the speaker to talk about this matter.
   • Empathy doesn’t mean you have to agree with the speaker.
   • Avoid thinking about how to “one up” the speaker with your own tale of woe.

6. Be patient
   • We often interrupt because we are afraid we will forget our point(s). Don’t interrupt - allow the speaker to finish what she/he has to say.
   • Don’t’ finish the speaker’s sentences because you think they’re taking too long to get to the point.
   • Focus on what is being said instead of what you think is going to be said.

7. Eliminate interruptions and distractions
   • When possible, speak in a neutral location to avoid interruptions and distractions.
   • Be aware of and avoid interruptions – phones or pagers (use voice mail), visitors (close the door) and distractions (voice mail light, overflowing in box, incoming mail).

8. Seek Understanding
   • Focus on main points.
   • Paraphrase and seek clarification of points that are unclear or that you don’t understand.

9. Show you’re actively listening
   • Listen with more than just your ears. Acknowledge and respond to the speaker with facial expressions (smile, nod/shake your head, eye contact) and verbal comments (“I see,” “I understand,” “okay,” “yes”) to aid the conversation.

10. Simply Listen
    • Sometimes our idea of listening is to jump in and give unwanted advice. Listening is not an open invitation to resolve a dilemma. Just listen because often the speaker simply seeks a sympathetic ear.

Whether you are a manager or employee, husband or wife, parent or child, pastor or parishioner, friend or foe, listening is critical to the success of your relationships. Take the time to truly listen to others and discover you’ll not only improve your relationships, you will achieve a new level of overall success in your life. Apply these techniques today so you can enjoy a better tomorrow!

By Joy Fisher-Sykes © 2005 All Rights Reserved

About The Author

Joy Fisher-Sykes is a professional speaker, author, and leading expert in the areas of leadership, communication skills, stress management, customer service, and team building. You can e-mail her at mailto:jfsykes@thesykesgrp.com, or call her at (757) 427-7032. Go to her web site, http://www.thesykesgrp.com/, and signup for her newsletter, OnPoint, and signup for the newsletter, OnPoint, and receive the free ebook, "Empowerment and Stress Secrets for the Busy Professional."

Print and Internet publication rights are granted, free of charge, for this article, provided the credit paragraph and copyright remain intact.

6 Great Ways To Improve Your Social Skills

by: Peter Murphy

If you are looking for a way to improve your social skills, there are many resources available that will assist you in refining your social skills and improving the way you communicate with others.

It's not only possible to learn how to improve your social skills; it's easier than you think.

Imagine how much simpler your life would be if you could rid yourself of nagging self-doubt and have confidence knowing you can handle any social situation.

Have you ever wondered how some people seem to excel at socializing? Learning how to improve your social skills will give you the ability to know what to say in any situation and be the type of person others love to be around.

You can develop the skills needed to start a conversation with anyone you encounter, deal effectively with awkward situations, accept rejection gracefully, and win the approval and appreciation of all that you encounter.

You will be able to read the body language of others, effectively solve problems, and develop the ability to diffuse sensitive situations with seemingly little effort.

In the process of learning how to improve your social skills, your self-esteem will soar and your confidence will reach an all-time high.

Here are 6 great tips you can use today:

1. Awareness of your own interaction with other people is the first step in improving your social skills.

Learn to identify which types of situations make you uncomfortable and then modify your behavior to achieve positive results is a critical step in improving your social skills.

You can learn to become aware of behaviors in other people that prompt you to respond in negative ways and modify your own behavior to turn the situation into a positive experience.

2. You must accept responsibility for your own behavior and do not fear apologizing for errors in judgment or insensitive actions.

Asking others for honest feedback about the way you interact with others can be very helpful. Accept the negative feedback along with the positive and make changes accordingly.

3. Your non-verbal communication is equally as important as the things that you say. Positive body language is extremely important in your interactions with other people.

If your words and your actions do not match, you will have a difficult time succeeding in social situations.

4. In order to learn how to improve your social skills, you must become and great listener. You must fight the urge to respond immediately and really listen to what the other person is trying to communicate.

Offering suggestions or criticism before you are certain of the other person's intent can only lead to frustration for both parties.

5. Improving your social skills is a process and cannot be accomplished overnight. Trying to improve or change too many things at once will be counter-productive.

You will become discouraged and overwhelmed if you attempt to change your entire personality all at once. Choose one or two traits at a time and work on those over a period of time. Learn to take advantage of your personal strengths and make a positive impact on others.

6. Maximize your positive personality traits and use them in your interactions with others. Good communication and great listening skills are the most important tools you can use in improving your social skills.

You can learn how to improve your social skills by developing excellent listening skills, learning to resolve problems and conflicts, understanding body language, and accepting responsibility for your own negative behavior.

Determination and self-awareness will make your desire to improve your social skills a reality.

About The Author

Peter Murphy is a peak performance expert. He recently produced a very popular free report:10 Simple Steps to Developing Communication Confidence. This report reveals the secret strategies all high achievers use to communicate with charm and impact. Apply now because it is available for a limited time only at: http://www.howtotalkwithconfidence.com/report.htm

peter1510@hotmail.com